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研究:?jiǎn)紊頉]什么不好

If you feel bad about being single, it's not because you're single

中國(guó)日?qǐng)?bào)網(wǎng) 2014-05-20 09:32

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研究:?jiǎn)紊頉]什么不好

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"You're so great -- why don't you have a boyfriend?"

This misguided compliment, often doled out to young successful women, has given birth to a new thought experiment: If a woman is great and no romantic partner is there to appreciate her, can she still lead a happy and fulfilling life?

Since 2000, the most common American household has been a person living alone. According to the 2012 census, 53.6 percent of American women over the age of 18 were unmarried. So why do singles often feel like the odd woman out?

We may be living in a post-"Sex And The City" era, but we're not as far from the conventions of "The Partridge Family" as we'd like to think (and it's worth noting that even SATC's cynical Miranda had her fairytale romantic ending when all was said and done). Over the last 15 years, we've watched pop culture heroines like Mindy Lahiri, Meredith Grey and Ally McBeal put their professional accomplishments on the back burner when things go south in the romance department. It's not hard to see where these television writers are getting their material: Women often feel bad about being single, despite how satisfying their lives are otherwise.

Turns out, there are a few reasons you might feel that romantic ennui:

You might be putting too much stock in one type of relationship...

Unfortunately, it's all too easy to devalue our platonic relationships when we don't have a romantic one (if we want one, that is), but that doesn't mean we're not reaping the psychological benefits of all of the platonic love in our lives. In fact, when it comes to happiness, it seems that love is blind.

The Harvard Grant Study, one of the most comprehensive longitudinal studies on happiness, followed 268 male Harvard undergraduates for 75 years to see just what brought them joy. After nearly a lifetime of tracking, researchers discovered that fulfillment was overwhelmingly found in one thing: relationships -- but not necessarily romantic relationships.

"Joy is connection," George Vaillant, the Harvard psychiatrist who directed the study from 1972 to 2004, told The Huffington Post last year. "The more areas in your life you can make connection, the better."

Great news, right? Unfortunately, this concept isn't exactly common knowledge, and single women often feel that their many loving, albeit platonic, relationships are discounted. Ann Friedman, a freelance journalist who pens a column for NYMag.comabout gender and has shared her adventures in being "deep single" in Marie Claire, told HuffPost Women that her attitude about partnerships -- one that eschews the "marriage o'clock" concept in lieu of a more laissez-faire approach to life and relationships -- has garnered such responses as: "You've given up on the idea of love"; "Wow, you seem so well-adjusted in other ways"; or even worse, "You've grown so depressed with the state of the American male that you've opted out completely."

"I was like, 'Honestly, I'm really, really cool with what I have going on right now,'" Friedman said. Her outlook is obviously not one-size-fits-all, but it's never a bad idea to stop and appreciate the wonderful relationships we do have in our lives, whether or not they fit neatly into a romantic box. Just ask Dr. Bella DePaulo, author of Singled Out and a permanent Visiting Professor of Psychology at the University of California, Santa Barbara.

"What people sometimes overlook when they say 'If you're single, you're alone' is the possibility that if you're single, you may have friendships that you pay a lot of attention to," DePaulo told HuffPost Women. "In fact, you might have more support than someone who gets married and only pays attention to their spouse and puts all of their friends on the back burner."

...or you may not be prioritizing what you really want.

Allowing what other people want for you to cloud your judgement can also send you down that dark, "I'm dying alone" spiral. Global surveys have found that cultural norms and expectations are what determine our self-esteem, even if we claim we're above the pressure. When it comes to single women, this dual mentality can get tricky. The (obvious) truth is that marriage -- or even long-term couplehood -- won't make everyone happier.

"I think that we are in a society that just so celebrates marriage," DePaulo said. "There's almost no voice for people who want to stay single and are doing just fine."

This "matrimania," DePaulo's term for the over-the-top hyping of marriage and weddings, can be especially problematic when you factor in all of the complexities of romantic relationships that can come before marriage. "The cohabitation gap," a term coined by researchers in 2011, describes the phenomenon of married couples being happier than non-married couples who live together. Why? Here's how the researchers put it:

"We can speculate that in such societies, people tend to believe that a woman lives together with her partner out of wedlock not because she doesn't want to marry him but because he doesn't want to marry her. The society's doubts in the commitment of her partner makes a cohabiting woman pitied and looked down upon, which could be detrimental for her self-esteem and psychological well-being regardless of her own perception of her partner's commitment."

Oy vey. Anecdotally, Friedman has experienced this condescending attitude towards single or unmarried women.

"Really great things happened to me in my life during this period when most people were kind of pitying me," she said of a being single -- a period during which her career took off, she took her dream vacation and her social life became more dynamic than ever. "But there was always this undercurrent of, 'Don't you want to meet someone?'"

This specific breed of patronizing led freelance writer Sara Eckel to pen a Modern Love column for the New York Times in 2011 (and eventually a fantastic book) on the topic, to explain to women what she says we essentially already know: that there's nothing to "fix" -- single women are fine as they are.

"I realized I was building up this resentment towards this condescension," she told HuffPost Women. "Because there was this very strong part of me that knew I'm just as good as married people."

And those fear-inducing headlines aren't helping.

"It's amazing how year after year after year, people are making this claim that if you get married, you'll get happier," DePaulo said.

She explained that many of those academic studies that make for splashy, fear-inducing headlines aren't procedurally sound (see: her review of 18 long-term studies on the topic). The main problem is that conditions in clinical studies have to be randomly assigned -- which isn't possible when you're researching single vs. married people. Another "methodologically shameful" tactic in these studies, she explained, is that many only compare those who are currently married to single people and completely ignore those who got married, hated it and got divorced.

Then, of course, there are media figures like "Princeton Mom," who shame single women for not prioritizing dating, husband-finding and the like.

"I find it so confusing that whenever someone has a message that makes women feel bad, they're immediately on 'The Today Show'; they immediately have a platform," Eckel said. "You don't see the narrative of, 'Yah, I had a wild time in my 20s and now I'm 35, married with two kids and really happy.' It's always the cautionary tale."

As a result, many women are put off by the public discourse on singledom and marriage -- and the Noah's Ark-like frenzy it's intended to spark.

"People would be like, 'Are you dating?' To me, that was like, 'Do I hike? Am I writing?' Is dating an activity?" Friedman said. "Going on a bunch of dates with random people doesn't seem like a smart use of my time. That made a ton of sense to me -- I realize that it doesn't make a ton of sense to everyone."

Moral of the story?

Yes, you're still "great" and more than capable of living a happy, fulfilling life, whether or not you're involved with someone romantically. But also know that feeling waves of self-doubt and insecurity are totally normal. You may never want to get married or even be monogamous -- or you may be open to the possibility of meeting someone without actively looking for a relationship.

With barely half of US adults married as of 2011 (a record low, according to the Pew Research Center) and delayed marriage on the rise (the median age for women at first marriage in 2011 reached 27, a record high), the conversation about singles is shifting. Considering the ever-growing population of women living abundantly happy lives without a partner, how could it not?

"All of this 'matrimania' isn't happening because we're so secure about the place of marriage in our lives," said DePaulo. "It's happening because we're so insecure."

Of course, downplaying the special role that marriage plays in many people's lives isn't the answer, either. Rather, it's important to recognize that some people find happiness with a partner later in life or in a more unconventional form of coupledom.

According to Pew's 2010 stats, 84 percent of unmarried people cite "love" -- rather than "making a lifelong commitment," "companionship," "having children" or "financial stability" -- as the reason to get married. Perhaps women are starting to feel empowered to only jump into matrimony on their terms, rather than relying on perceived cultural norms. Take a look at Hannah Horvath on "Girls" or Liz Lemon on "30 Rock," and you'll see that pop culture is already helping to redefine what it means to be single in contemporary society.

All of this awareness, however, won't always assuage all of your fears and insecurities, and that's OK. As Eckel points out in her book, "If you feel sad sometimes, it's not because you're single -- it's because you're alive."

Obviously, not every single woman feels bad about her relationship status, so this statement merely applies to those who do.

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“你這么好,為什么沒有男朋友?”

年輕的成功女性常常聽到這類虛假的恭維。但這恭維卻催生了實(shí)驗(yàn)的新思路:如果一個(gè)完美女性沒有浪漫的伴侶欣賞她,她還能否擁有一個(gè)快樂完整的人生呢?

從2000年起,美國(guó)最常見的家庭就是一個(gè)人獨(dú)居。2012年的人口普查顯示,53.6%的美國(guó)成年女性未婚。那么為什么女性單身卻總會(huì)被視作被“剩下”呢?

也許我們現(xiàn)在正處在“后《欲望都市》時(shí)代”,但我們并不像我們所想的那樣,離《鷓鴣家族》中的生活那么遙遠(yuǎn)。(值得注意的是,即便是《欲望都市》憤世嫉俗的米蘭達(dá)在一切塵埃落定后,也有童話般浪漫的結(jié)局。)在過去的15年里,我們目睹了流行文化中的女主角,像《剩女的浪漫生活》,《實(shí)習(xí)醫(yī)生格蕾》,《甜心俏佳人》中的女主人公那樣,當(dāng)她們情感受挫,就會(huì)將自己的事業(yè)成就擱置。不難看出,編劇們想表達(dá)這樣一個(gè)觀念:女性總覺得單身很糟糕,盡管從別的方面看,她們的生活其實(shí)一帆風(fēng)順。

實(shí)際上,你可能因?yàn)楹芏嘣騾捑霊偃耍?/p>

你可能會(huì)在一段關(guān)系上下太多賭注

不幸的是,當(dāng)我們沒有對(duì)象時(shí),我們總是太容易貶低愛情(如果我們想戀愛的話,就不是這個(gè)情況了),但那不意味著我們?cè)趹賽壑械貌坏胶锰帯J聦?shí)上,愛情總是盲目而快樂的。

關(guān)于快樂最全面的縱向研究之一是哈佛大學(xué)授予的一項(xiàng)研究。這項(xiàng)研究跟蹤了268名哈佛本科畢業(yè)生75年之久,旨在調(diào)查他們快樂的源頭。研究發(fā)現(xiàn)快樂的人生很大程度上取決于一件事:那就是人際關(guān)系——但這不僅僅指戀愛關(guān)系。

哈佛大學(xué)精神病學(xué)家喬治·瓦力恩特在1972至2004年期間指導(dǎo)了這項(xiàng)調(diào)查研究,他去年告訴郝芬頓郵報(bào):“快樂是在與人交往的過程中產(chǎn)生的,人際關(guān)系越全面越好?!?/p>

好消息,不是嗎?不幸的是,這并不受大家的認(rèn)同。很多單身女性認(rèn)為她們的許多段感情,盡管是柏拉圖精神戀愛,都是打折扣的。安·弗里德曼是紐約雜志網(wǎng)站性別專欄的自由撰稿人,她分享了自己在《美麗佳人》雜志社的單身經(jīng)歷。她告訴赫芬頓郵報(bào)女性專欄關(guān)于她自己對(duì)伴侶的態(tài)度——伴侶是避開婚姻臨界點(diǎn),從而可以使自己有放任自由的生活方式的人。但對(duì)這個(gè)態(tài)度,周圍的人卻這樣回答——“你已經(jīng)放棄了愛情”;“哇,你真特別”;或者更糟糕的是,“你對(duì)美國(guó)男人都絕望了嗎,所以不想選擇和他們?cè)谝黄饐幔俊?/p>

弗里德曼表示:“坦白說,我覺得自己這樣很酷?!彼挠^念顯然不能被所有人接受,但這不失為一個(gè)好想法,那就是我們應(yīng)該停下來欣賞我們?cè)谏锼鶕碛械拿篮萌穗H關(guān)系,不管它們是不是戀愛關(guān)系。不妨看看蓓拉·迪波洛博士的說法。蓓拉·迪波洛博士是《單身,不是你想的那樣》一書的作者,同時(shí)也是加利福尼亞大學(xué)圣巴巴拉分校永久客座心理學(xué)教授。

“當(dāng)人們說:‘如果你單身,你一定很孤獨(dú)’時(shí),他們忽視了單身人士可能將更多精力放在經(jīng)營(yíng)友誼從而獲得更多友情的可能性,”迪波洛告訴赫芬頓郵報(bào)女性專欄:“事實(shí)上,單身人士比起那些只關(guān)注結(jié)婚伴侶而忽視所有朋友的人,可能會(huì)擁有更多的依靠?!?/p>

或者,你可能不會(huì)優(yōu)先考慮你真正想要什么

成為一個(gè)別人希望你成為的人可能會(huì)掩蓋你自己的真實(shí)愿望,也可能將你送入“我將孤獨(dú)終老”的黑暗漩渦。全球調(diào)查發(fā)現(xiàn),即使我們聲稱自己并沒有受到來自傳統(tǒng)觀念的壓力,傳統(tǒng)文化規(guī)約與期望仍然是決定我們自我尊重的重要因素。對(duì)于單身女性來說,自尊與遵循傳統(tǒng)是兩難的。事實(shí)是,婚姻(抑或是長(zhǎng)期的同居關(guān)系)并不會(huì)讓每個(gè)人更快樂。

“我覺得我們的社會(huì)還是崇尚婚姻的,”迪波洛說道:“沒有人是不想結(jié)婚并能過得很好的?!?/p>

“婚姻熱”是迪波洛對(duì)人們過度強(qiáng)調(diào)婚姻與婚禮的情況做出的定義,然而,當(dāng)你婚前經(jīng)營(yíng)戀愛關(guān)系,應(yīng)對(duì)各種復(fù)雜的問題時(shí),這個(gè)定義就不太適用了?!巴尤笨凇笔茄芯咳藛T在2011年提出的概念,它描述了結(jié)婚夫妻比未婚同居夫婦更加快樂這一現(xiàn)象。這是為什么呢?來看看調(diào)查人員是怎么說的:

“我們很清楚的知道,在現(xiàn)在這個(gè)社會(huì),如果一個(gè)女人與人未婚同居,人們傾向于認(rèn)為是男性不愿意結(jié)婚。這種對(duì)男性的疑慮會(huì)導(dǎo)致人們對(duì)同居女性的貶低輕視,不管女性是否相信自己伴侶的承諾,這種社會(huì)的普遍認(rèn)識(shí)對(duì)女性的自尊和心理健康都是有害的。

噢,有趣的是,弗里曼自己也經(jīng)歷過人們對(duì)單身或未婚女性的貶低態(tài)度

“當(dāng)大多數(shù)人同情我單身的時(shí)候,我的經(jīng)歷其實(shí)非常棒,”她說起自己的單身時(shí)期——那是她事業(yè)騰飛的時(shí)候,她在自己夢(mèng)想的領(lǐng)域大展拳腳,同時(shí),她的社交生活也豐富多彩,“但總有人問我,你不想找個(gè)對(duì)象嗎?”

這種特別的自豪感使得自由撰稿人薩拉·埃克爾于2011年就這個(gè)話題為《紐約時(shí)報(bào)》寫了一個(gè)“現(xiàn)代愛情”專欄(后來出版成書),她向女性解釋了一些我們現(xiàn)在已經(jīng)知道的事:沒有什么是一成不變的,單身女性也可以過得很好。

“我意識(shí)到我對(duì)別人的憐憫感到越來越憤怒,”她告訴赫芬頓郵報(bào)女性專欄:“因?yàn)槲艺娴恼J(rèn)為我和那些結(jié)婚的人過得一樣好。”

迪波洛說道:“很奇怪,年復(fù)一年,人們?nèi)匀恍Q結(jié)婚能讓人變得更快樂?!?/p>

她解釋說很多學(xué)術(shù)研究只是為了制造引人注目、讓人心驚膽戰(zhàn)的新聞?lì)^條。但從研究的程序來說,這些調(diào)查并不可信。(她評(píng)論了關(guān)于這個(gè)話題的18份長(zhǎng)期調(diào)查報(bào)告)。這些調(diào)查存在的主要問題是:臨床調(diào)查必須是隨機(jī)的,但調(diào)查單身人士和已婚人群時(shí),這種隨機(jī)顯然無法實(shí)現(xiàn)。她還提到:“另一個(gè)方法上的錯(cuò)誤在于很多人僅僅將剛剛結(jié)婚的人和單身人士作對(duì)比,而完全忽視那些曾經(jīng)已婚,后來厭惡婚姻,到最后離婚的人?!?/p>

當(dāng)然,有些媒體比如“普林斯頓媽媽”會(huì)為單身女性不約會(huì),不找對(duì)象諸如此類的行為感到羞恥。

“我覺得很疑惑,不管什么時(shí)候只要有人得到可以讓女性覺得很糟糕的信息,他們就立即放在《今日秀》節(jié)目中,他們立即就有一個(gè)平臺(tái)可以大肆宣揚(yáng),”??藸栒f道:“你不明白諸如‘我20歲時(shí)有著瘋狂的歲月,但是我現(xiàn)在35歲了,結(jié)了婚,有兩個(gè)孩子,我過得很快樂’的敘述對(duì)別人的警示作用有多大?!?/p>

因此,很多女性被一些關(guān)于單身與婚姻的公開演說及演說想到達(dá)的“諾亞方舟”似的狂熱所阻礙。

“人們總是會(huì)問‘你約會(huì)了嗎?’但對(duì)我來說,更應(yīng)該是,‘我有沒有爬山?我有沒有寫作?’約會(huì)是一項(xiàng)活動(dòng)嗎?”弗里曼說道:“和隨便什么人約會(huì)會(huì)占用我大量的時(shí)間。那些時(shí)間對(duì)我來說很重要,但我也意識(shí)到很多人并不是這么看的?!?/p>

本文的意義

是的,不管你有沒有男朋友,你都很出色,并且有足夠的能力過一個(gè)很快樂,很完整的人生。但是自我質(zhì)疑和缺乏安全感是很常見的。也許你從沒想過結(jié)婚甚至是過一夫一妻制的生活——也許你不排斥與某人約會(huì),卻不主動(dòng)建立關(guān)系。

2011年僅僅一半的美國(guó)成年人結(jié)婚(皮尤研究中心的研究數(shù)據(jù)顯示,這項(xiàng)紀(jì)錄達(dá)到新低),同時(shí),初婚年齡也在往后推(2011年女性第一婚的年齡中值在27歲,這個(gè)記錄比以往高),對(duì)單身的態(tài)度也在快速改變。鑒于越來越多的單身女性過著快樂的生活,這個(gè)轉(zhuǎn)變?cè)僬2贿^了。

“婚姻狂熱”現(xiàn)象的出現(xiàn)并不由于我們多能保證婚姻在我們生活中的重要作用,”迪波洛說道:“相反,這是因?yàn)槲覀儾淮_定我們能否脫離婚姻獨(dú)自生活。”

當(dāng)然,忽視婚姻在許多人生活中的重要角色也是不對(duì)的。但對(duì)人們來說,重要的是他們能夠意識(shí)到有些人可能比較晚才能遇到心儀對(duì)象,有些人可能不喜歡以傳統(tǒng)的婚姻方式生活,但是他們?nèi)匀贿^得很快樂。

皮尤研究中心2010年的數(shù)據(jù)顯示,80%的人用“愛”,而不是“一生的承諾”,“陪伴”“有孩子”,“經(jīng)濟(jì)穩(wěn)定”作為結(jié)婚的理由。也許女性已經(jīng)開始意識(shí)到了是否結(jié)婚是由自己決定的,而不是受傳統(tǒng)的規(guī)約驅(qū)動(dòng)??纯础抖际信ⅰ分械臐h娜·霍瓦特和《我為喜劇狂》中的利茲·雷蒙,你就會(huì)發(fā)現(xiàn)流行文化已經(jīng)在重新定義什么是現(xiàn)代社會(huì)的“單身”了。

然而所有的這些不會(huì)永遠(yuǎn)緩解你的恐懼和不安全感,但那是正常的。就像??藸栐谒龝姓f的那樣:“如果你有時(shí)感到難過,這并不因?yàn)槟銌紊?,而是因?yàn)槟慊钪??!?/p>

顯然,不是每個(gè)單身女性都覺得自己很糟糕,糟糕只能用來形容那些確實(shí)很糟糕的人。

(譯者 lcwujing 編輯 丹妮)

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